Wednesday, August 07, 2019

Sometimes I cry...

Some days the hurt just makes me want to lay down, close my eyes and stop breathing...


Some days the hurt seems too much to bear...and no member of my family has been shot, killed and/or maimed. None of my friends have had to deal with the horrific tragedy of gun violence. I'm just lucky that it hasn't happened here...YET.


Tears, tears and more tears...heartache for the smallest amongst us who haven't had the chance to taste an ice cream cone as a salve on the hottest of days, twirl in the sunshine until you can't twirl no more and fall down in exhausted pleasure, experience that sweet first kiss or the thrill of receiving your first paycheck for a job well done.


Such deep sorrow for those who come here seeking to have a better life and being told that the color of their skin makes them ineligible to live better, work hard, have a place for their family.


Pain...

Deep heaving sobs for the words, the words that I thought I would never hear uttered in public so proudly again in my lifetime. The hateful vile rhetoric of a race of people who are happiest keeping their foot on the necks of humans who are just like them except for the color of their skin.


But mostly a mirror - the person who sits in the White House holds a mirror of our sins. Sins we've tried to bury.  Sins we've tried to deny.  Sins we've tried to ignore.  Sins that are now coming back to haunt us because nothing buried stays buried...the light shines into every crevice, every dark hole and exposes everything.


...and every day more gun violence...

...at an army base...at a Walmart...at a grocery store...a backyard picnic...a congresswoman's meet and greet...a movie theatre...a country music festival...a black church...a synagogue...a garlic festival...and school after school after school

voter suppression...voter intimidation...voter remorse...voter manipulation...voter misdirection


The icebergs are melting...the seas are rising...fires burn in Alaska so far north where there should only be ice and snow.  Fires burn...and burn...and burn wiping out towns...taking and destroying lives.  Floods, tornadoes and damns bursting...but no climate change?

As a Christian I ask ~ "Are these the Last Days?" Is it almost over?  Have we harmed ourselves, our planet, our world enough that you need to save us God? Or is this the beginning...or the middle...or are there so many more trials to come?

I have no words to challenge, to fight, to implore...I only wonder why? And when does it end? I wonder if no one else but me can see history repeating itself...

...and my prayer becomes..."can we not normalize hate" over and over I say it to myself in silent whispers, in tears, in pain...



53 comments:

  1. I feel the same pain. Thank you for speaking up.

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  2. My heart is breaking too. It’s so important to speak up and be heard. Each kindness we offer another human does make a difference. Hugs to you ❤️

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  3. Well said. As a Christian also it's as if we are living in the book of Revelation. But I know that Jesus will come for all Believers before the really hard and dark times come. Keep the faith.

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  4. I too cry for those killed, the oppressed, and the innocents among us struck down and treated so cruelly.

    Where does it end? Maybe with each of who are heartbroken reaching out to do what we can. One thing we can all do is exactly as you said "Don't normalize hate"

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  5. You've said it all. <3 and tears.

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  6. Thank you for writing this, it is profoundly moving. I too, as a Christian, have wondered about the end of the world prophecy. Sending love from Australia. Love you and love your blog. ♥️

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  7. Well said. Sending love from North Wales ❤️

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  8. I understand your feelings and share your concern. I will tell you though, that the saddest event of my life has shown me that good Americans can act in the most selfless, nonpartisan, and professionally skilled way, as a cohesive group. My father died in a VA medical hospital on 7/19 after a week of fighting for his life in the ICU. A decorated WII Marine, he earned VA medical care. The team members in this ward, of all colors, some spoke with heavy foreign accents, fought valiantly with him until God gave the order that my dad was being called home. They were so kind to him. The culture there was refreshing and awe inspiring. I want to fight for them. They demonstrate how we should be, to be good together. I want to fight for this culture everywhere in the US. I have hope that we can maintain the goodness of our people, because of these professionals, in spite of what I see on the news.

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  9. We do all have to stand together and speak out now against the hate that is being spread too freely in this world we live in. Just hoping it will get better and not saying anything cannot be who we are anymore. All of us have to speak up for those who are becoming too afraid to. We have to speak out to let those who need it know that we don't all feel this way. That we won't tolerate them any longer. Staying silent is no longer an option.

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  10. I feel all that you are feeling. I thank you for writing this; you have such a way with words.

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  11. It helps to know others have the same feelings. Thank you for your post.

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  12. Amen. Me too. I have the same heartaches as You. and so many. Thank you for stepping up and posting your feelings. I admire and respect you all the more.

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  13. Bless you for saying what so many of us are feeling. In my daily life I am trying in every way I can to figure out how to help these problems. I am trying--in my own tiny way--to put as much love into the world as I can and to save our nation from the hatred that envelopes it and our earth from the greed that poisons it. Know that there are many of us whose tears form an ocean with yours...may it be an ocean on which we can sail to a new and better time. Love and Hugs. Tina

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  14. well said. Thank you. My heart is hurting too.

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  15. As a flawed Christian woman, I pray for the world as well as to remind myself daily to trust God. Thank you for your words and articulating what is so hard to comprehend at times like these.

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  16. Thank you so much for using your platform to speak out against the hatred we're seeing rearing it's ugly head. You're right, we can't just bury the past. Until we confront it and really discuss it, it lies there just beneath the surface, waiting for an opportunity to come charging back out of the shadows. Speaking out, even if we feel our voice will not be heard or appreciated, is the only course we can take. We need to teach our children, the next generation, how not just to tolerate differences, but to appreciate and celebrate them. If we really believe that we're all God's children, that should be our mission. I wish everyone comfort and peace in such turbulent times.

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  17. I vacillate between tears and rage. I have seriously contemplated moving out of the country, exploring options in New Zealand and Spain. I see world wide trends that let me know there isn’t any running from this. Trying to learn gardening, thinking about home canning, survival skills, in case. It’s a harder world than I was expecting, and I grew up watching the 60s and 70s turbulence on tv.

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  18. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words. You're not crying alone.

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  19. So well expressing a multitude of broken and shattered hearts, thank you for your words and your heart, We are a broken nation in much need of repentance and redemption.

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  20. Thank you. I feel just the same. Love from Germany.

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  21. I have several friends, Canadians like myself, who refuse to visit the U.S. anymore. We normally spend the winter there ourselves but think we'll go somewhere else in the future.
    It's unfortunate, because one on one, most Americans are people who share our values.
    Too much racism and too many guns.

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  22. "But mostly a mirror - the person who sits in the White House holds a mirror of our sins. Sins we've tried to bury. Sins we've tried to deny. Sins we've tried to ignore."

    I've explained more times than I can count that this isn't "new". THIS is America. This is what America has been and apparently, wants to be. And your statement on him being a mirror is spot on.

    We are to the point where people have either convinced themselves or are willing to lie and pretend like they believe this is "politics". No. This is HATE. Racism, Nationalism. White Supremacy. The American way!

    The fact that every single American in this country did not express outrage over his suggestion that AMERICAN CITIZENS go "back" to where they came from. The fact that every single American in this country did not express outrage over the clear treasonous acts he has committed. The fact that every single American in this country can't see how much he hates this nation and what it could be.

    I am not a crier. Few things evoke tears from me. But today, I sat in my bathroom and cried seeing people scatter from Times Square because they thought a backfiring motorcycle was gunshots.

    I find myself thinking that maybe this is the end...I am becoming hopeless.

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  23. Such an articulate summary of the times! I thought racism and misogyny was behind us.

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  24. C.S. Lewis was one of the greatest Christian authors of the last century, perhaps all time
    He wrote
    “Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

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  25. Is it possible to share this on facebook? It's beautifully written and expresses my feeling so clearly.

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  26. The sadness is overwhelming and day after day more carnage is added to the news. When I hear Eva Longorio tell Trevor Noah that she drops her own mother off at the El Paso Walmart, it shook me to the bone. No one is safe where good people gather, day or night, there will be a locally grown gunman with a plan wearing an assault vest with a high-powered rifle bought at a gun show with no legal waiting period or background check. What can we do? Our lawmakers have no guts, no power and are largely funded by the NRA. Seeing the photos of the victims and knowing their children and families will have to live without them makes me break into sobs and hopelessness. Thank you for voicing your opinion and those of most sane people.

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  27. I'm with you. I'm heartbroken, I cry all the time, and I am @#$%ing FURIOUS. Injustice and cruelty are running rampant and it's all so sickening. I try to channel these feelings into actions but we're at a point where it's going to take more actions from a lot more people to make things right.

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  28. Amen-
    You have stated this so clearly. How do we take steps to heal the wounds and become a Peace-filled nation? How can we move forward ? I would like to join with others because I really just don't know what to do anymore. Thanks Carolyn for your thought filled words.

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  29. I hate to think that things are going to get worse than they already are :( my sister reminded me of the line “the love of many shall wax cold” from Matthew 24:12 and that certainly feels true this week. The next verse says that those who endure to the end will be saved but rather than just endure I’m going to resist and serve and speak out and advocate as much as I possibly can. Thank you for adding your voice to the chorus.

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  30. You said it the way I wish I could have. I don't understand all this hate.

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  31. Your words are true and hit home. This hate needs to stop and it stops at our own front door. May I repost your blog and attribute to you? It is very powerful. Thank you.

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  32. I am with you. #Dontnormalizehate - it's a scary place we are living in. I know it's my white privilege that lets me say this, but people are people and should be treated as such. We are all the same flesh and bones and need to start treating people as such. We need gun laws. We need to protect the innocent among us regardless of age, color, gender. I'm at a loss and like you, I'm so very sad. g

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  33. I'm scared -- truly frightened by the relentless spewing of hate since the 2016 election campaigns began, all of which has only escalated. I don't feel safe and can't see how this makes America "great". Thank you for your courage for expressing this so articulately! xoxo

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  34. Thank you. Hearing someone say it out loud. is helpful. It gets lonely saying it by yourself, to yourself. Thank you.

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  35. Thank you, Carolyn, thank you.

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  36. Every country has to go through a dark time, I guess this is ours. But it is awful to have to watch. Let's all try to do something to make the bad time as short as possible.

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  37. What a great post.
    Thank you Carolyn

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  38. My husband's first cousin and his family live in El Paso; thank goodness they were no where near the Walmart last Saturday.It has certainly been a horrible week; a horrible 2 and a half years. In contrast I have been listening to Michelle Obama's wonderful memoir this week. Listening to her read her book has made me feel very nostalgic for their sanity and joy. She has been accused of being an angry black woman. but the angriest person besides all the gunmen shooting innocent people is our President. I can never understand what he has to be angry about. A man brought up in wealth and privilege; the president of the most powerful country in the world and he can never rise above anything. The narcissist in chief. You have expressed the horror of everything that has transpired with your usual eloquence.

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  39. Your powerful voice carries and you give me hope. Thank you.

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  40. I am not good with words but I hear you and share your thoughts. I share your pain and bewilderment that we are at such a place in our society. Enough is enough but I feel helpless and unable to change what needs to change. I can only offer my support and hope that as more of us speak out , things will change and those in power will listen . If not I dread to think about our future.

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  41. Thank you for speaking this white woman's heart. I try to say it over and over myself. This president has removed more wool from my eyes and I've had to see the evil and contempt that white people, men and women feel for people of color and women of all colors in this country. The biases glare at me from every corner. My heart stands with your heart.

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  42. I feel the same way...But I know people who don't and it is hard to believe that they have a brain ans still feel the way they do!! I just can't understand how they can be alive, and feel, and not see what is going on is wrong.

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  43. I worry for those who live in the United States because I wonder how bad would the mass shooting have to be for the nation to rise up unequivocally and say "Enough". I recognise the privilege of being born white and in Australia. We're so lucky that John Howard showed the leadership he did and that we are so much safer as a result. Racism deeply upsets me and I feel sad that it is still so prevalent in the world. Australia too, has a lot of racism and poor behavior, particularly towards migrants and refugees.

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  44. I have no answers, I wish I did have some explanation, some THING we could do that would fix this. The ONLY good to have come out of the last few years is that in some cases people are really doing some deep self examination and deciding that hate, racism, misogyny, xenophobia, and a complete lack of respect and regard for the planet we live on are no longer acceptable. They see these things in themselves and instead of embracing it because it's a part of them, they choose instead to remove that part because it is toxic. I hope enough people choose to remove the toxic before it is too late.

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  45. Yes. Yes. Yes. So eloquently and beautifully said. Thank you.

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  46. Thank you, it helps me to read my own thoughts composed so eloquently. It helps.

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